My Day in L.A.

There are literally bucket-loads of things happy campers can see and do in Los Angeles. It's a pretty big city which sprawls on and on for city block after city block.



There's the L.A. Zoo, because oddly enough zoos are always on the top of peoples' lists of Things to See While I'm in Another City. Or if you want to see wildlife of a different variety, go to Disneyland. Ah yes, Disneyland. The tacky joy of plastic fairy tales. Talking rats, dogs on two legs, flying elephants. Someone was on drugs!



Then, of course, there's the reason why everyone goes to L.A. Movies baby! Take in the sights, take a tour of Paramount Pictures and rub shoulders with stars and celebs. Yes, the good life. Schnarfing a line with Paris, exchanging child-rearing tips with Britney, trying to understand street vernacular with Snoop. Yup, you've made the big time when you hit the big screen.



But no. Not me. I had to get up early enough to catch a glimpe of Dawn's crack (as a friend so eloquently puts it), hawl ass to the Vegas airport to catch a 7am flight to LA, get picked up at LAX by someone who will be interviewing and scrutinizing me for the next few hours, get caught in gridlock traffic, eat breakfast near the intersection where the bus in Speed gets blown up, head to Santa Monica, interview, write a copy test, interview with someone else, go for lunch and be accused of being a liar by a ponytail-donning waiter because he didn't hear me say "chicken" when I ordered my CHICKEN caesar salad, back to the office, chat some more, hop in a cab, chat to the Moroccan cab driver, run through LAX, board a bounce-alot jet to Vegas, and that's MY Day in L.A.

When do I get to see talking animals and movie stars? Oh wait, whenever I want, down on the Strip!

Disclaimer: pictures were taken from flickr.com so please don't suse me - I've credited you

When you're running low of options

When you've been out of work for close on nine weeks, and your options are looking low, you start thinking, "Hell, I need to take what I can get. But is this it?" At this point, maybe this is all I can get, for now.

I've looked all over the country, and no-one is hiring toward the end of the year. I just hope I can make it till the beginning of the year when agency bosses say they would be looking at new hires. If not, it's the street for me.

Happy Thanksgiving?

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's beak was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.

John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's out stretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

FW: Thank you

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the email forward about poop in the glue on envelopes because, I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 138,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face ... disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day...

Oh, by the way... A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

My Celibacy Anniversary

Hip hip, hooray. This month marks my one year celibacy anniversary.

No, seriously, don't laugh. I haven't had sex in a year. Partly by choice. And partly by circumstance. Have you seen the unfortunate lack of talent out there?

I hadn't planned on being celibate. It just turned out that way. A week turned into two. A month turned into two. And before I knew it, I didn't really miss it. The anonymous "wham bam".

But after a while, it's a bit like smoking pot - you start to get a little paranoid. You think people are looking at you, that they 'know'.

"Shame, poor guy. Hasn't been laid in a while. I guess that explains his crankiness."

But that's just the thing. I'm not cranky about it. I'm actually okay with it. I'm a virile young 33-year old. I enjoy it as much as the next person. But of late, yeah, not so much.

Don't get me wrong, the opportunities have been there. EVERYWHERE! But it gives one a sense of power to be able to boldly declare, "Thanks, but I've decided to be celibate for a while." Some even take offense, as though you have personally rejected them. Tough shit.

This is about me and MY empowerment. But perhaps in 2008 I'll come up with a new resolution. One that isn't so taxing.

Dont be sad, little boy

So yesterday the phone rang.

*ring ring*

"Hello"

"Hi, this is so-and-so from XYZ in Portland, Maine. We'd like to thank you for taking the time to come all the way up here to interview. We've all regrouped and discussed staffing needs. Unfortunately ..."

The search continues because now Maine ain't so quaint.