Well since you put it that way

Three score and a few posts ago I mentioned that God had opened the heavens and showered me with a job. But I didn't tell you what the job was.

I have applied for a barista position with Satan's Coffee Makers, Starbucks. And didn't get the job. I applied for a front desk position at a pet store. I didn't get it. And soon, I started questioning my worth as a person.

Until suddenly, the heavens opened, a bright, blinding light eminated from the skies, and a booming voice called out, "My son, you have shown true patience and perseverence. You have begged and borrowed to pay your rent and for that I shall reward you with a job I know you know how to do. You, my son, shall get a job in an ad agency." And so it came to be.

I received an offer from a teeny, tiny agency out on the east coast. I shall neither mention the agency's name nor the city for there are criminal elements out there. I fear they shall hunt me down and slander my good name.

But once again, I shall find myself in the very industry I have worked in for the past ten years. And what shall I be doing? Well, I lie for a living. No, I'm not a lawyer. Although, in my profession, I don't contribte much to society either. In fact, they say my profession REFLECTS society. Jesus, that is scary!

Oh well, God made it happen so I'm sure it's not all bad, right?!

Pack, don't procrastinate

As I sit back and survey my condo kingdom, I am filled with fear and loathing.

It was time to pack up my shit into boxes and get ready for my move to the east coast about two weeks ago. Did I do it? Hell no! I'm the world's worst procrastinator. And going through all my stuff, I realized just how much crap I have accumulated over the year. So while I may have thrown a lot of crap away, I'm still left wondering what is absolutely, positively necessary for me to keep.

12 towels. I live alone and I have 12 towels. I turfed a few out. but what does ONE person do with 12 towels?

Books. I've read them all and can't bear to part with them. So they get their very own special box. And as luck would have it, it's the HEAVIEST freakin' box of the lot.

Pot plants. Into the huge metal garbage container outside.

Clothes. A dumped a whole lot into the Goodwill bin down the street. The difficult thing is that since I shall only be receiving my boxes back in about three weeks, I have to decide what I need to keep to use until they arrive. Not easy.

All the crap in the kitchen cupboards. Dumped in the large metal garbage container outside. Why on earth would pay to have Windolene, dishwashing soap, a bottle of Clorox and all other sorts of chemical detergents and cleaning crap shipped? Exactly.

So here I sit, maybe HALF the packing done, the five boxes I have almost full, and the moving truck comes in ONE day!

The saddest part is that after they have come and taken my stuff, I will be left with two more nights in my apartment before I have to catch my flight. I shall be sleeping on the carpet, with an old duvet and uncovered pillows for those two nights. And just before I leave for the airport, just where do you think that duvet and pillows will find themselves?

Dumped in the large metal garbage container outside.

Ah Christmas, the season for giving (and receiving)

Like everyone else, I tend to get very excited around Christmas. Yes, it's become a horrible consumerized day, but still. Presents. Decorations. Christmas card from family and loved ones.

But this year was different. It appears that "out of sight, out of mind" applies more this year than in previous years. Sure, my family is on another continent. But I hoped and prayed I would at least get a few cards from them. I knew that as sure as God made shiny green apples I wouldn't be getting any gifts from them. Fair enough, international shipping costs from Africa to the U.S. may be a little higher than what they can afford. So, a card would suffice.

I received three card this year. The little bear card on the right was from my sister, her husband, and my niece. Nice gesture. Warms my heart. So who sent the other two? Well, here's the thing. No one else in my family sent me a card this year. The other two cards came from my prison penpals. I shit you not!

And whilst tears well up in my eyes, I feel a little rage. These inmates are locked up, they make less than minimal wage with the menial tasks and jobs they can find within those prison walls. So even buying a postage stamp with which to mail a reply letter is a pretty big deal for them. But for two of them to save up and buy me a Christmas card each? Kinda puts a whole new perspective on things, doesn't it?!

Why the Holiday Season drives me mad

Because of stupid shit like this!

Okay, if you feel so direly in need to express your Christmas joy by nailing some stupid fake wreath on your front door to let passers-by know that they should expect the sounds of carolling and smells of egg nog to come eminating from your home, that's just great. More power to you. But to purposefully attach a wreath to the front grill of your car? That's just sad. Stupid and sad.

I saw one yesterday and the first thing that ran through my mind was, "oh no you didn't!" But apparently, oh yes you had. And you were proud. It's almost as sad as seeing someone walking through Wal-mart, pushing a shopping cart, and wearing a freakin' Santa hat. Please, spare us. Keep your Secret Sexual Santa fantasies for your bedroom. The fact that you actually donned that silly hat and headed out into public begs for you to be flogged.

Then of course, there are some people who think their cars are real people. Or, God forbid, an animal. And because it's the holidays, what better than say a reindeer?!

Oh I've seen you out there. And you look ridiculous. The only thing that would make you look more ridiculous was if you were out in public wearing a Santa hat. Behind the wheel of a car with fuzzy antlers and a red nose, and you wearing a big floppy red hat. Now if only you had a big black whip to flog that motor reindeer. Oh wait, maybe you could borrow one from the secret stash of the woman who puts a wreath on her car's grill.

What a load of ...

Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

You can smoke shit (see above), buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit (see above), and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shits creek without a paddle. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

You could tell your friends about this posting, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...

Well, Shit Happens!!!

Of all the jobs in the world

There is a world of exciting jobs out there I could be doing.

For example, how exotic would it be to call oneself an Egg Collector? Yes, this was an actual job listed in an 1880 census. Or how about a Cotton Mill Worker. That could be stimulating. Somehow. I think.

Or a Feather Curler. I could have made a living curling feathers for the rich and famous. And if that didn't tickle me, I could have been a Surgical Instrument Maker. Important job this. Saving lives and stuff.

And if I wasn't in the mood to save lives, I could quite easily have chosen to be a Rodent Exterminator. Rats, be gone!

Or a Blacksmith. Or even a Gent at Large. Or my personal favorite because at some point, everyone would need one, a Coffin Maker. Morbid thought though.

but no, I had to go into advertising. And while there may be a market out there for Feather Curlers and Coffin Makers, there just doesn't seem to be anything going for an ad man.

America the Great

As a teenager, I grew up thinking America was wonderful. Every Friday night, religiously, I would sit in front of the TV and watch in awe as MacGyver would invent things from bubble gum wrappers, a paper clip, and some ear wax. And I would think, "Wow, America is great!"

Then I grew up. And eventually moved here. And I saw poverty. And crime. And gang violence. And sadly it dawned on me. America is not great. America is just like any other country in the world. Well, almost.

In high school, I would learn about European history and the two World Wars. I would learn about British history and the feudal system. I would learn about colonialism. In Geography I would learn about tectonic plates under the earth's crust. And I would learn about Cumulonimbus clouds and Cirrostratus clouds. In biology, I would learn about cell formation and structure. I was taught about the world in which I live.

But in America, while they are taught similar things, there's a slight change. They too learn about cloud formations. But as they occur in America. They too learn about history. American history. It's a very ethnicentric society this.

The newspapers contain pages and pages of events around the country. And maybe just one small insignificant page abotu world events.

It's no surprise then that the rest of the world vies Americans as stupid. But they're not. They're lazy. And they believe what crap the media tells them.

"The Middle East is the axis of evil and all Arabs are terrorists." Okay, check. Believe.

"The French didn't support us in our 'War Against Terror', therefore they are rude and dirty and we should boycott everything French." Okay, check. Believe. Done.

"Africa is poor and sandy and the people are starving and all have AIDS." Okay, check. Believe.

Sadly, this is the truth as I see it. Firsthand. At first I thought it was funny when Americans would ask me why I'm white when I told them I was South African. Now, I just think it's sad. I was once even asked if South Africa is just below North Carolina. Because it's a common belief that the entire world can be found between Los Angeles and New York City.

Yes, the Greatest. Maybe one day long, long ago.

Um, yes, that must be it!

So I came across this TV commercial here in the U.S. It's hysterical. I keep watching it over and over and over again. You should too.

Click to watch it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=smtEtT7UJBo

Don't believe everything you read on the interweb

No seriously, sometimes the interweb spews out the biggest chunk of (insert expletive here). I learned that the heard way when I once submitted a research paper in college. Could explain the the scrawled, "SEE ME NOW!" written in red ink across the front page when I got it back.

Whitney Houston is NOT buying an African country. And North Korea is NOT a little hostile. These are lies that people post on the internet in the hope of raking in some poor sucker who believes everything they read.

Afganistan is NOT run by a group of undercover CIA agents dressed as nuns from the Sisterhood of Liberation. It's all a lie. Okay, so they kind of wear similar headgear and stuff but NO!

If everyone on the planet had to sneeze at the same time, the earth would NOT shift off its orbit people, come on. Shock! Where have you been? Has your head been buried in the sand?

What do you mean the U.S. economy is bouncing back? What a lot of crock. Which idiot posted THAT on the web?

And don't even get me started on those weapons of mass destruction ...

What does $1000 get you these days?

So a few weeks ago, a friend of mine came to Vegas from the Middle East. She was accompanying her richer-than-Bill-Gates boyfriend.

And after many tiring days of shopping and seeing shows and going restaurant hopping, they dumped me with about six bags of clothes and other gadgets to ship back to them in the Land of Sand. Me being the super-wonderful being that I am, agreed.

But not before taking a peek.

In amongst their many, many purchases, I came across a box. I looked at the box, turned it upside down, came across the price label, crapped myself and very gently put it down. For inside this box was what you see in the picture above. Yet another snazzy cell phone.

But folks, this ain't just any snazzy cell phone. Oh no. This cell phone is "More powerful than anything you’ve seen before, the HTC TyTN II takes communications to the next level". Wow, okay. So how does it take communication to the next level, oh knowledgable phone gadget person? "Communicating while on the move is a breeze with the ergonomic tilting design that positions the screen perfectly for reading and creating emails. The full range of wireless connectivity ensures you can roam anywhere in the world and still enjoy a high-speed internet connection.

Important information is just a glance away with the HTC HomeTM screen – giving an instant view of email, calendar, messages, missed calls, dynamic weather updates and more.

Staying connected means staying ahead. With a complete suite of Microsoft® Office Mobile applications including Outlook®, Word, Excel®, and PowerPoint®, out of office doesn’t have to mean out of the loop. Always ready for business, the HTC TyTN II ensures you are too."

Goodness me. Impressive Does it also prepare bowls of porridge? How about vacuuming? Does it vacuum the carpet? I'd expect that for $1130, it should at least do the dishes. No? Shocking. I'll stick with my flat screen Samsung phone/camera/music song thing, thank you VERY MUCH.

Perhaps, because of its shipping destination, it is able to detect incoming scuds. No? What a useless piece of junk. The rich are sooooo spoiled.

My silver spotted pedigreed Bengal cost me a cool grand and least she eats, drinks, cries and shits!