Say "CHEESE"

I like shooting things!

I like shooting things that move, that run, that stand still. It's easier when they stand still though.

Sometimes I won't see anything for hours, then BAM, just like that, I see it. I steady up, take aim, and shoot. Very often you only get one shot, so you've really got to make it count. That's why today I hopped on the interweb and bought myself a Nikon - 6.1MP Digital SLR Camera.

I'm very excited. It should be here in about a week. And then I can start shooting.

Sometimes the monsters are your friend

We all have them, those creepy little beasts who lie under our beds at night, or who hide in our closets waiting for the most inopportune time to emerge with a stupid grin.

But as I've recently learned, they aren't all bad.

One of my monsters reappeared today. He wasn't under my bed. And he didn't emerge from my closet. No sir. This one came in the form of an envelope with "United States Treasury" expertly printed on the cover. You see, a couple months back I submitted my tax return for the year. And I'm not a Math person. I write. And I draw. And I sleep. So when my head started to hurt, I jotted down some numbers, included my W2s, and sent it off.

Today the monster arrived. I opened the envelope thinking I was about to pay away my life with money I do not have only to find the monster was to become my new best friend. A nice check ("cheque" for those of you who speak proper English) from the tax monster" and I'm amazed at just how quickly money really can buy you friends.

Now the fuzzy little monster and I are BFFs. We hang out together, drink Chardonnay together, take walks on the river side together.

Tomorrow I shall fold up my new monster friend and put him into my rapidly depleting bank account. But until then, we will cuddle up and watch TV, I'll feed him copious amounts of ice cream, and we'll joke together about just how disappointing the new Star Trek movie was.

Oh shyst, so much has happened

Yes, my devoted band of followers, I have been absent for a short while. But during that while, much has happened. For example:

- I flew 14 hours to Kuwait (no, really, I did, for a job interview)
- I flew 14 hours back, and still have jet lag
- I was told I didn't get the position with the agency in Philadelphia
- I went out for drinks at a really nice little pretentious Picasso-wannaberestaurant/bar
- I got the job in Kuwait

Will fill in another post with more details soon. Promise. I just need to relax a bit and gather my thoughts, find my brush and maybe take a shower.

If you throw enough s*** at the wall...

The economy blows. I've been applying for jobs left and right.

Finally I found one I thought I would be perfect for: Government Assassin.

I didn't even get a call back. But I know one of the guys who did. He told me that after all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, he was one of 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

He told me that for the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill
her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. BAM BAM BAM.They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

Mmmm, maybe I'll apply for that McDonald's cashier job after all.

I'm angry. Angry like a snake.

Sometimes people get mad. Sometimes people get angry. Recently I've been pissed off angry. Let me tell you why.

So I received an email a few days back from an ex work colleague from a salt mine in my past. In this email were all sorts of words that made me angry. Someone was dropping the "f" bomb, refueling the canon with a "co**sucker" bomb. Interestingly, this same person had just given a "Do not hire him" reference to a potential employer who interviewed me last week.

Isn't this kind of behavior illegal? I know it's very childish and immature, but is it illegal? Like defamation or something?

I'm currently trying to find out, because if it is illegal, then God help this SOB because God will be the only one able to help him.

Mow like a pro

That's exactly what I did a couple days ago. I turned the back yard jungle into a tamed golf course. Bit of sweat, lots of muscle cramps, and voila! Neat and tidy.

My dad would be so proud!

Bye bye Cinco de Mayo

Maybe I'm just getting old but I chuckled to myself tonight.

A couple Caucasian douche bags have moved into the house across the road. This afternoon they slapped a huge kick-your-ass-to-Mexico speaker on their porch, donned sombreros and cranked out Mexican music - in celebration of Cinco de Mayo.

Unbeknown to them, their neighbors are also a couple of Caucasian douche bags. On difference being that those douche bags call the cops whenever someone speaks in a decibel above a whisper.

The cops came and shut down their little gathering.

*chuckle chuckle*

Philly for the weekend

I went through 400 years of American history in just a weekend. Yes, it can be done because I did it.

I walked through Independence Hall and saw the very room where the Declaration of Independence was not only written, but also signed. And then a quick skip over to a glass hall that housed the cracked Liberty Bell. Cart wheels across the road and I was standing alongside Benjamin Franklin's grave. A quick bolt up the road (after grabbing a grande breve vanilla latte) I ended up outside the house of one Betsy Ross.

Who's Betsy, you ask? She was a seamstress who sewed up the very first American flag. Now that in itself is a crazy dangerous thing for this young lass to have done. Why? Because British troops were sweeping through through the city like a fine tooth comb through thinning hair and if they had caught Betsy, she would be in very big trouble for cohorting with the 'enemy'.

Then, of course, I had to have a 'scratch my head' moment. A couple who had just got married decided to have photos taken downtown. But not just downtown, they were striking all sorts of poses - on the island in the road!!! Bizarre.

Yes, what a great weekend, in a wonderful city.