You didn't just say that

In early September, my younger sister will be turning 21. Truly a wonderful occassion. Entry into official adulthood.

Now young KM's past 21 years have not been easy. She has struggled through life, bounced from school to school, and lots of other not-so-nice-nor-so-stable things. And since her father (KM is actually my half sister from my mother's second marriage) passed away when she was just nine years old, I have done the Big Brother thing and helped out where I could. Her upcoming 21st is one of those help times.

Yes, I get to foot the bill. And give a speech - for verily I shall be trekking down to the southern-most country on the Dark Continent just for the event - which I am less than ecstatic about. Crowds make my hands sweat. Speaking in front of crowds turns me into a blithering idiot. I took Public Speaking in high school, but come on, that was 15 years ago!

And yes, I have to present work and strategy and other fun things to bored sales people who pass as clients' marketing departments. But this is different. Here I have to dig deep and say nice things. But don't get me wrong. I have many, many wonderful things I could say about my sister, for she is indeed a kind-hearted, soft-soften kitten of a person. But I need to say these wonderful things in front of her not-so-classy friends.

Ah, trashy friends. She lives in a not-so-nice area and her friends are .... I shall not pass judgement, for I am not God. But I will say this: The prospect of getting up in front of 60 people, family and friends and give a speech about my sister will not be easy. When I look back over the years at the hardships she had to endure, the disinterest some people had in her education, at the many, many obstacles that were placed in her way, and having to grow up never really knowing her father, never having a girly bedroom of her very own, never having a bicycle, and having to wear hand-me-down clothes, I get a little teary-eyed. And if that happens when I get up to speak, that will not be a good thing.

I know I need to remain positive and focus on her accomplishments during her two decades of life. And I shall attempt to do just that. But as we all know, speeches sometimes go pear-shaped.

Toasts are a chance for the closest family members and friends to express their joy for the celebrated or the wedding couple, share a funny story or two, and impart words of wisdom. Sometimes, though, nerves, alcohol, or a not-so-secret disapproval leads to a speech that leaves everyone aghast. Here are real wedding toasts that made guests want to cower under their chairs rather than raise their glasses.

"At a friend's wedding a few years ago, the best man made it apparent that he wasn't such a fan of the bride. The speech went something like this: '(Groom's name), man I love ya, you know I do. I hope you thought about this and that this is what you really, really, really want.' Then he said the bride's name, hit his fist against his chest twice, and pointed at her."

"A friend of mine from college got married, and his best man said in his speech: 'Finally John has found someone with low enough self-esteem to marry him.'"

"The maid of honor (the bride's sister) not only talked about herself during the whole speech, she also mentioned the possibility of an affair between herself and her sister's new husband."

"At my cousin's wedding, the best man ended his toast by saying he wanted the groom to know that he'd be there for him at his next wedding when this one didn't work out."

"The best man at a wedding I was in said during his toast, 'Congratulations to the new parents!' No one except a select few knew the bride was pregnant -- not even her parents!"

"I was a bridesmaid in a wedding where the best man gave a toast about how cheap the groom was and how they'd been friends all their lives but the wedding was the first free meal he's ever been offered by the 'cheapskate.'"

"The father of the bride stood up and said, 'I'm Jill's dad. I just want to say that I met David before Jill did because of my other daughter.' And he sat down."

"My cousin gave a horrible toast at her younger sister's wedding a few years ago. She began by saying that she never liked her sister's new husband throughout high school and that 'today he's still at the level of slightly below the scum on the bottom of a dirty waste pond.'"

"I attended a wedding where the best man commented on how the bride used to work at Hooters (which her family didn't know about) and how he was jealous of the groom for 'bagging her.'"

"During the toast the groom's dad (after many drinks) said that he was so happy for his son and his beautiful wife Sara. But his wife's name wasn't Sara, his ex-girlfriend's was."

So raise your glasses. Cheers!