How about this one?

The next time someone tells you house hunting is fun, beat them for telling lies. For this is not a small white lie. This would fall under the category of large, gargantuan-sized lies.

I have been searching for a new home. And let me tell you, it is NOT fun!

Sure, my current residence is spacious. And modern. It is also a drain on the pocket when it comes to paying my gas bill in the winter. Also, I would not consider fending off the lasciviousness of 'ladies of the night' to be one of my favorite past-times. Neither is smiling and saying "Thanks, but I'm trying to cut back," when propositioned by drug dealers. The final straw that didn't just break the camel's back but rather ripped the poor beast in half were the gun shots I heard. It's like living in the wild, wild west while living on the east coast.

No thanks.

So I have cast my search net wide. I saw an incredible apartment with hard wood floors, a real, genuine fireplace, and a small deck. Unfortunately, the monthly rent and pet deposit was anything but small. Next.

Then I saw two apartments that while it was stipulated had been recently refurbished looked as if they lacked something. Namely security. Since when does a fireplace come with a bedroom? Next.

Then I found it. Perfect. And as I try not to get my hopes too high, I remember its tall ceilings. It's light hard wood floors. Its bay window. Its "all included" headline in the 'For Rent' ad. And it's in a nice tree-lined neighborhood, with a park, and old Victorian houses. And no gun shots. And no prostitutes. And no drug dealers. Too good to pass up. I want it. I must have it. And hopefully I shall.

Stay tuned.