You didn't just say that

In early September, my younger sister will be turning 21. Truly a wonderful occassion. Entry into official adulthood.

Now young KM's past 21 years have not been easy. She has struggled through life, bounced from school to school, and lots of other not-so-nice-nor-so-stable things. And since her father (KM is actually my half sister from my mother's second marriage) passed away when she was just nine years old, I have done the Big Brother thing and helped out where I could. Her upcoming 21st is one of those help times.

Yes, I get to foot the bill. And give a speech - for verily I shall be trekking down to the southern-most country on the Dark Continent just for the event - which I am less than ecstatic about. Crowds make my hands sweat. Speaking in front of crowds turns me into a blithering idiot. I took Public Speaking in high school, but come on, that was 15 years ago!

And yes, I have to present work and strategy and other fun things to bored sales people who pass as clients' marketing departments. But this is different. Here I have to dig deep and say nice things. But don't get me wrong. I have many, many wonderful things I could say about my sister, for she is indeed a kind-hearted, soft-soften kitten of a person. But I need to say these wonderful things in front of her not-so-classy friends.

Ah, trashy friends. She lives in a not-so-nice area and her friends are .... I shall not pass judgement, for I am not God. But I will say this: The prospect of getting up in front of 60 people, family and friends and give a speech about my sister will not be easy. When I look back over the years at the hardships she had to endure, the disinterest some people had in her education, at the many, many obstacles that were placed in her way, and having to grow up never really knowing her father, never having a girly bedroom of her very own, never having a bicycle, and having to wear hand-me-down clothes, I get a little teary-eyed. And if that happens when I get up to speak, that will not be a good thing.

I know I need to remain positive and focus on her accomplishments during her two decades of life. And I shall attempt to do just that. But as we all know, speeches sometimes go pear-shaped.

Toasts are a chance for the closest family members and friends to express their joy for the celebrated or the wedding couple, share a funny story or two, and impart words of wisdom. Sometimes, though, nerves, alcohol, or a not-so-secret disapproval leads to a speech that leaves everyone aghast. Here are real wedding toasts that made guests want to cower under their chairs rather than raise their glasses.

"At a friend's wedding a few years ago, the best man made it apparent that he wasn't such a fan of the bride. The speech went something like this: '(Groom's name), man I love ya, you know I do. I hope you thought about this and that this is what you really, really, really want.' Then he said the bride's name, hit his fist against his chest twice, and pointed at her."

"A friend of mine from college got married, and his best man said in his speech: 'Finally John has found someone with low enough self-esteem to marry him.'"

"The maid of honor (the bride's sister) not only talked about herself during the whole speech, she also mentioned the possibility of an affair between herself and her sister's new husband."

"At my cousin's wedding, the best man ended his toast by saying he wanted the groom to know that he'd be there for him at his next wedding when this one didn't work out."

"The best man at a wedding I was in said during his toast, 'Congratulations to the new parents!' No one except a select few knew the bride was pregnant -- not even her parents!"

"I was a bridesmaid in a wedding where the best man gave a toast about how cheap the groom was and how they'd been friends all their lives but the wedding was the first free meal he's ever been offered by the 'cheapskate.'"

"The father of the bride stood up and said, 'I'm Jill's dad. I just want to say that I met David before Jill did because of my other daughter.' And he sat down."

"My cousin gave a horrible toast at her younger sister's wedding a few years ago. She began by saying that she never liked her sister's new husband throughout high school and that 'today he's still at the level of slightly below the scum on the bottom of a dirty waste pond.'"

"I attended a wedding where the best man commented on how the bride used to work at Hooters (which her family didn't know about) and how he was jealous of the groom for 'bagging her.'"

"During the toast the groom's dad (after many drinks) said that he was so happy for his son and his beautiful wife Sara. But his wife's name wasn't Sara, his ex-girlfriend's was."

So raise your glasses. Cheers!

I'm not Superstitious. I'm a Little stitious.

I was browsing the interweb, as I do from time to time - hop on the ol' super information highway - and came across some rather odd superstitions. Take a look at some of these humdingers:

Black cats are evil. In ancient Egypt, the Goddess Bast, was a black female cat. Christian priests wanted to wipe out all traces of other religions so convinced their ignorant followers to destroy the evil demons that were black cats. While they were at it, they destroyed the kindly little old ladies who cared for the cats believing them to be witches.

Ladybird, ladybird, fly away home. It is bad luck to kill a ladybug because it represents the Virgin Mary.

Pie In The Sky. Of course, this means to search for the impossible dream but it originated in the early 1900's. A famous labor organizer named Joe Hill was extremely critical of the clergy's treatment of slaves. He wrote a tune called 'The Preacher and the Slave" accusing the clergy of making false promises of a better life in heaven while people starved on earth. The song goes: 'Work and pray, live on hay. You'll get pie in the sky when you die. That's a lie!'

Skin Of Your Teeth. This saying means to barely escape from a harrowing situation. It comes from Job 19:20, where God inflicts all sorts of terrible things on one of those who love him. Poor Job had all his animals stolen, his children die, his house collapse and his body covered with sores. Job has this to say; "My bone cleaveth to my skin and to my flesh, and I am escaped with the skin of my teeth."

Fleshpot. - Today 'fleshpot' describes decadence. In the time of Moses, it was a large pot in which to boil meat. Somehow, preachers managed to change the meaning to scare their flock about 'sins of the flesh'.

To make a scapegoat. - The poor scapegoat gets the punishment for everyone else's mistakes. God condoned this cruelty to animals in Leviticus 16:7-10 "And Aaron shall cast lots upon the two goats; one lot for the Lord, and the other for the scapegoat." The scapegoat got to escape, and carry the tribe's sins into the wilderness, to be eaten by some animal instead of being offered alive as a sacrifice for the Lord.

Hold your breath when passing a cemetary so as not to make the dead jealous

If you secretly put your toe-nail clippings in a glass of lemonade and make someone drink it, then that person is supposed to fall in love with you.

If lightning strikes a tree and you witness it then someone you know will die.

Don't leave your purse on the floor or you will stay broke, and don't buy your man a pair of shoes or he will walk out of your life forever.

You are supposed to lift your feet and hold your breath for good luck when you ride over a bridge.

Always lift your feet and touch a screw when you go over a train track.

Never pass the salt across the table from one person to another, or else you will start a fight.

If you sneeze on a Monday, you sneeze for danger;
Sneeze on a Tuesday, kiss a stranger;
Sneeze on a Wednesday, sneeze for a letter;
Sneeze on a Thursday, something better;
Sneeze on a Friday, sneeze for sorrow;
Sneeze on a Saturday, see your sweetheart tomorrow.
Sneeze on a Sunday, and the devil will have domination over you all week.

It's bad luck to leave shoes upside down.

If you drop scissors, it means your lover is being unfaithful to you.

If 13 people sit down at a table to eat, one of them will die before the year is over.

If 3 people are photographed together, the one in the middle will die first.

Mistletoe in the house protects it from thunder and lightning. It also cures many diseases, is an antidote to poison and brings good luck and fertility.

A girl standing under a mistletoe cannot refuse to be kissed by anyone who claims the privilege.

If a young girl catches a ladybug and then releases it, the direction in which it flies away will be the direction from which her future husband will come.

It is bad luck to kill a ladybug.

Knock On Wood: Most people don't know that you are only suppose to knock twice, not three times. Knocking twice prevents what you say from happening while the demons are preoccupied. Knocking three times gets their attention.

Walking under a ladder was unlucky because ladders were used in the hanging of witches and if you walked under one a dead witch might fall on you!

If you are walking with someone and you "split a pole" (one walks on one side of a pole the other person on the other side of the pole) it is bad luck.

If you have left the house and had to go back inside for something forgotten, you have to take the first 3 steps in backwards, or it is back luck.

The Native Americans believe that if you morn for someone too long that person will try to come and take you to the other world with them so you will quit missing them so much.

The Knights of Templar were rounded up on Friday the 13th, 1307, and the King was King Phillippe IV.

If you tell your dreams before breakfast they will come true

Never rock an empty rocking chair, it brings death to the family. If an empty rocking chair, rocks by itself, someone in the family will die.

If you happen to break a mirror.. You will NOT have 7 years bad luck if you LEAVE the shards of glass lie EXACTLY where they fell for 7 hours ... NOT A MOMENT MORE OR LESS!

See a penny pick it up and all the day you'll have good luck. See a penny let it lay, bad luck you'll have for the rest of the day

If you wash your hands with silver (coins) on New Years Day that you will always have money throughout the year.

If a black cat keeps its eye on a pregnant woman everynight it means the cat wants to suck the breath of your child

If a dead person's left eye is open he'll find someone to take with him

I'm still waiting....

I did what you told me to do. I forwarded the email to 10 people just like you instructed. I knew most would be pissed off with me for doing that - for filling their inbox with spam - but I went ahead and did it anyway.

I received a scathing reply from a friend who said if I ever sent her one of those forwards again, our friendship would be over. So I have risked friendships and relationships because you told me to forward that email.

You told me I could expect fortune beyond my wildest dreams, miracles one normally expect to be bestowed on heroes in fairy tales.

You sonnavabitch! I'm still waiting for that miracle to happen.

So to all my "friends" who in the last year sent me best 'wishes', chain letters, 'angel' letters or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something,
NONE OF THAT WORKED! So in future, gifts of cash, traveler's checks, money orders, and wire transfers will be accepted in lieu of email.

Please note this down!

She's not so angry anymore

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a huge fan of this ex-angry ex-Canadian.

Back in the 90s - God, saying it like that makes it sound like a lifetime ago - I would spend my few hard-earned Rands on her CDs. Back then she was angry, she was bitter, and God help the man who crossed her. I would listen to her music so much that I had all her lyrics memorized. Sad, I know.

Then she dropped off the radar.

But now, after a 4-year absence, Miss Morrisette is back. And her music is much different. I think she took her therapist's advice and started popping happy pills. There's a dance track and of course some reminiscent lyrics. All in all, my best purchase all month.

And no, I was not paid to write this.

Lots to shout about

This has been a very busy past few days. And the news just seems to keep piling up.

My younger brother is finally headed off to Scotland. This is a trip that has been years in the making. And patiently, the young guy has waited. Like a kid standing in line at the ice cream cart. And finally, his turn has come. A very long flight for someone who has never flown before. A journey awaits. Lots of discoveries. Sorry boy, you're about to find out what the world outside of South Africa is like.

And then my sister (see a few posts down) is about to burst with offspring. But just one. Every day is a constant barrage of emails filled with nagging and complaining about how big she is getting. Now I hear she is having a C-section AND an epidural. Then once young X is born, she's decided to have the 'snip'. A little too much info, I guess.

In other news, my friend WRM went to the salon today to have a day of pampering. WRM does not like the salon. They make her disrobe and wear paper slippers for a facial. I'm left wondering how her face would cover her body that they require her to be so scantily clad for a facial.

Oh, and I shall be jetting off to Ohio in a couple for work. Now Ohio is not exactly known for its excitement factor. If anything, Ohio is quite conservative, so people must speak in whispers. No loud mouths over there! Oh boy, are they in for a surprise.

No other real news to shout about.

PS: Pic borrowed from Red Nose Studio

I've taken to steaming my veggies

Not exactly the most earth-shattering of blog posts, but there you have it.

I've recently taken to steaming my veggies. They taste better, and as far as I know, they are also better for you than regularly boiled veggies. When you steam them, they keep the nutrients inside. Which is always a good thing. I mean, if I'm going to be eating something as untasty as vegetables, then I had damn well better be getting some type of benefit from it.

I've never been a big veggie eater. I remember, as a kid, my Mom used to make dinner and pile my sister's and my plate with veggies. We'd look over at one another and we'd wonder how to hide them.

Sometimes, because we grew up in South Africa (and in those days it was safe), we would eat outside on the patio furniture. We loved this because in the center of the table was a hole where the pole for a table umbrella would be placed. We never did have an umbrella but my sister and I found another use for that hole in the center of the patio table.

And when that started to fill up (sounds gross, I know), we'd pile our forks and the moment Mom's head was turned, that full fork would be flipped over our shoulder and into the garden with such precision even a marksman would be proud.

But now we're all grown up and realize that those brussels sprouts, those baby carrots, the cauliflower, the beans, and the peas are all good for you. And I've been avoiding them. In return, my body has sent me a message. But not via the usual text message fashion. No. My body has be a little evil. It acts up by letting my throat get irrated (I hope it's not my tonsils), and I'm getting a bit of a cold due to the cold front that swept in. But the old immune system is screaming for steamed veggies. And tonight it gets what it wants.

Mom would be proud.

Day 2 at the new salt mine

A good friend of mine refers to her place of work as 'the salt mine'. Considering we work in the very same industry, it is a term with which I can well relate. For verily, I too now have a salt mine of my own. Not OF MY OWN 'of my own', but rather today marked Day 2 of my gainful employment at said salt mine.

Ah yes, the doors of commerce, enterprise and creativity swing open for me each morning as I stroll proudly. I do not have my own office. I do not even share an office. Instead, I have a cubicle which at least has a super view of downtown and lots of trees. In fact, I think only two people in the entire salt mine have their own office.

So on Monday, my bank manager shall once again turn his frown upside down and beam upon me as my first pay check from the new salt mine goes through my bank account. And yet, because there is currently a big fat minus sign at the bottom of my account balance, I shall not get it all. But I remain happy for I am gainfully employed. I have work to do. I have an office email. And I have a salt mine I can call my own.

Yes, the gods have indeed smiled down on me. They left a note tacked to the shiny second hand Mac that sits on my desk. It reads: "For verily you have shown that in the face of adversity, you have the strength of will to persevere, the wisdom to put your pride in your pocket and ask friends for financial assistance in times of hardship, and for that you have been rewarded. Now stop calling us, we're about to go on a 14-day Caribbean cruise. Have fun and make this one last. Signed, The gods."

It's as hot as hell in here

Once upon a time, in a camping spot that was not a camping spot out in El Azizia, Libya, there lived a little weather-recording man. It was his job to record the hottest temperature on Earth.

So on September 13, 1922, while he was standing in his boxers, he reached for his little note pad and walked out to the thermometer to take the temperature. He was sure to put on his leather sandals because the sand outside was bound to melt his little rubber flip flops into bubble gum before he could call out, "Dam it's hot out her!"

So he dutifully headed over, looked at the thermometer, scratched his head, should the little mercury-filled thing and his eyes almost exploded in their sockets. It read 136°F/58°C.

Holy frack!

"And what relevance does this have?, you ask.

Quite a lot actually for my airconditioning is not working. So I have to leave the windows open and have the fans spinning. But still it is very warm. It is 80°F/27°C in my apartment. And while that may not sound very warm, trust me, the sweat running down the back of my legs thinks otherwise.

Happiness is ...

A famous man once said, "Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory." And maybe he was right. But for me, happiness is ... getting to choose between two job offers from two great ad agencies.

And now that choice is made.

Yes my avid readers, I shall once again be gainfully employed - a trait I have found surprisingly difficult here in America. But they say practice makes perfect. And while nobody's perfect, some of us are closer than others.

Soon, I shall once again be able to relish is all that is happiness, for surely happiness is ... being able to pay rent, keeping the lights on at home after the electric company has sent you a disconnection notice, looking forward to work on a Monday morning.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

Happiness is man's greatest aim in life. Tranquility and rationality are the cornerstones of happiness.

Happiness is contagious...when you reflect happiness, then all others around you catch the happy bug and are happy, too.

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.

Happiness is an inner state of well being. A state of well being enables you to profit from your highest: thoughts, wisdom, intelligence, common sense, emotions, health, and spiritual values in your life.

Happiness ain't a thing in itself--it's only a contrast with something that ain't pleasant.

Happiness is mostly a by-product of doing what makes us feel fulfilled.

Happiness is the only good. The time to be happy is now. The place to be happy is here. The way to be happy is to make others so.

Happiness is a thing to be practiced, like the violin.

Happiness is finally being able to work again. Long live job offers.

And no one does this better than our Commander in Chief.

As gas prices hit $4 per gallon - just in time for summer travel - and airlines start charging passengers $25 for the 1st checked bag in an effort to recoup some of the losses because of rising fuel prices, we still have thousands of troops in Iraq.

The interesting thing about this so-called war in Iraq is that MSN recently reported "that fewer American soldiers died in Iraq in May than during any month since the invasion in 2003". It goes on to say that, "A total of 4,083 American soldiers have died in Iraq and about 29,000 have been wounded." And while I agree that any number is unacceptable, a question begs to be asked: How many Iraqis have died as a result of this war?

Everyone talks about the Allied Forces' losses. What about the Iraqis? What about the people whose homeland is being destroyed? Whose people are being killed?

At last count, the number sat at about over 1 million.

"The estimate that over a million Iraqis have died received independent confirmation from a prestigious British polling agency in September 2007. Opinion Research Business estimated that 1.2 million Iraqis have been killed violently since the US invasion." according to JustForeignPolicy.org

I don't hear anyone crying for them. No. But I do hear a baffoon rambling and mumbling about how we're winning this ludicrous war.

The mind is usually brilliant. Today it baffles.