Dead Cats & Dinosaurs

Old things. That's what you expect when you go to a museum of natural history. Or actually, any museum for that matter. And that's just what we found when we trotted down to the Carnegie Museum of Natural History today.

D and C and myself had a great time. Lots of dinosaur fossils and reconstructed T-Rexes, old dead fish in rocks, and lots of "Cast of ...." old things from Greece. I thought they were real and started snapping away with my bulky digital camera until D wisely pointed out that they were "Casts of ..." meaning quite simply, they were fake. I felt like an idiot and we promptly left that section!

They even have an art museum attached to this old things place of natural history, and in this art museum we saw something very odd. A dead stuffed cat standing on its hind legs holding a placard. But alas, this poor feline was not protesting the war in Iraq or rising oil prices, no. This poor feline - who had obviously just used up its ninth life - was holding a placard that simply read, "I'M DEAD!". Just in case you couldn't tell.

Bizarre. But interesting.

'tis the season

Today was Christmas, all around the world. Kids were singing, snow was falling, and there was general merriment. Okay, so there were no kids singing, and there was no snow falling, but it was Christmas.

This year, Santa was good enough to give me the gifts of time, warmth, and scent. I love Christmas, and before the cynics out there jump down my throat about what Christmas really is, yes, I know, and yes, I remembered.

And very soon, the decorations will come down, and we'll all move on. Our credit cards will need repairing, and we'll need some rest. And just in time for Christmas 2009.

How was your Christmas?

"That" guy

We all know him. We've seen him. Maybe you went out to a nightclub and he was dancing like he was having a seizure. Or maybe you went to a Christmas party and he was the one who was the party drunk.

Last Friday night, we had our office Christmas party. After four too many very heavy-handed gin and tonics, I became "that" guy. Loud. Obnoxious. Saying things I shouldn't have said.

Fortunately, no major, irreparable damage was done to my professional career.

Note to self: next year, drink Sprite!

New Year's Resolution: To Get My Driver's License

I live in Pennsylvania, so the exam shouldn't be too difficult. But just imagined you lived somewhere else - a place with a cultural connection perhaps. How about California? Imagine trying to get your California Driver's License.

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California Driver's Exam, and for those of you who do, study really hard. This is a new exam. Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in Los Angeles, you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area.

GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION

Name:___________________
Stage name: __________________
Agent:___________________
Attorney:____________________
Therapist:________________________
Sex: ___male ___female* ___ formerly male ___formerly female ____both
*If female, indicate breast implant size: _______
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___

Please list brand of cell phone: ________.
If you don't own a cell phone, please explain: ________________________

Please check hair color:
Females:
[ ] Blonde
[ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers (check all that apply):
[ ] Red
[ ] Orange
[ ] Green
[ ] Purple
[ ] Blue
[ ] Skinhead

Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Shaving (male or female)
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for your convenience)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Discharging firearms / Reloading

Please indicate how many times
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers_____
b) you expect to be shot at while driving _____

If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime.
b) Call Channel 9 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high-speed chase.
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through.
d) Call your therapist.

In the event of an earthquake, you should :
a) stop your car
b) keep driving and hope for the best.
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones.
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 9.

In the instance of rain, you should:
a) never drive over 5 MPH.
b) drive twice as fast as usual.
c) you're not sure what "rain" is.

Please indicate number of therapy sessions you go to each week: ______.

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
b) Vicodin
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
f) Zoloft
g) All of the above
h) None of the above
*If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
a) Less than 1 hour
b) 1 hour
c) 2 hours
d) 3 hours
e) 4 hours or more
* If less than 1 hour, please explain:____________________.

DRIVER'S LICENSE EXAMINATION

When stopped by police, you should:
a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready.
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 Freeway.
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.

When turning, you should always signal your intentions by:
a) using your directional signals.
b) what is a "directional signal"?

Which part of your car will wear out most often?
a) the wiper blades
b) the belts
c) the horn

The "bright" setting on your headlights is for:
a) dark, poorly lit roads
b) flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way
c) revenge!

Your rear view mirror is for:
a) watching for approaching cars
b) watching for approaching police cars
c) checking your hair

All I Want For Christmas

As the worldwide economy falls sideways into the toilet, I have finally decided upon my 2008 Christmas wish list. And because I am a simple person (although not of the 'simple folk' persuasion), my wishes are easy. This is my list, in no particular order:

- a 2000 square foot yacht with anchoring rights off the coast of Spain

- a flayling commercial airline

- $10,000 worth of GM stock

- a blow-up Santa (don't ask)

- toy Smurfette (don't ask)

- wall-sized poster of Kylie Minogue

- chicken poop lip balm

- a red turtle-neck sweater with the neck bit cut off

- world peace

- the Boney M Christmas CD

- a lime-green sofa

- a leopard print Speedo

- a book deal

- the motivation to write a book about my interesting life

- a fully-paid 2-week vacation in Iran


And there you have it. In no particular order. Happy shopping!

In the Village of Niceties

On Saturday, we trotted off to Valant, also known as the Village of Niceties and All Things Simple.

In the Village of Niceties and All Things Simple, the various craft shops are spelled, "shoppe", and people smile and greet at one another when walking past on the sidewalk. On the odd occasion - because many things in the Village of Niceties and All Things Simple appeared odd on Saturday - a horse-drawn buggy would come past with a woman of the 'simple folk' persuasion behind the stirrups.

The shoppes in the Village of Niceties and All Things Simple sold nice little simple things. Like organic soap. And cinnamon-flavored syrup in a plastic stick. No tall buildings. And lots of hand-crafted wooden furniture. And wine made the olde worlde way.

In the Village of Niceties and All Things Simple, the shoppe keepers greet you with a "Merry Christmas" and not one of these politically-correct "Happy Holidays", and take their sweet time wrapping up your purchases in soft paper. They will also take their sweet time giving you a very in-depth historical breakdown of the region.

One of the stores in the Village of Niceties and All Things Simple was an olde mill. Inside this olde mill it was very colde. The cashier told us they were busy repairing their wood-burning heater. Of course she said this while buddled in a fleece and a hoodie, for verily she was not of the simple persuasion.

The only odd thing about the Village of Niceties and All Things Simple was that I didn't see any children!

Eid Mubarak

I like to think of myself as culturally aware. Not overly PC (because that just annoys the hell out of me, seriously, you have no idea), just culturally aware.

So, in the spirit of culture and celebrations, I'd like to wish all my Muslim friends (and readers) a happy and prosperous Eid. May the blessings of Allah be with you and your family at this wonderful time.

Word is out - we're closed between Christmas and the 5th of Jan

Paid time off is something to be savored. Like good wine. You don't get it often, so when you do you make sure you sip slowly, and enjoy it.

Yesterday our Big Boss told us all that the office is closing between Christmas the 5th of January. Now most of you will be scratching your heads and saying to yourselves (under your breath), "But we ALL get that off," but honestly, you are wrong. Not ALL of us get that time off usually. We were going to be open, pandering to the needs and desires and scruples of our pay check payers. And I had not put in for leave. So, like a dedicated saltminer, I was going to trot into work each day (except for Christmas, the 26th, the 1st, and the 2nd). Instead, I shall be lapping up the lasciviousness of sleeping in late.

Then came the cherry on top. Two weeks pay as a Christmas bonus. What? Seriously? Yes! Well, okay, not for me for I am but a mere peasant who has only been slogging at the walls of the saltmine for just six months, so I get a week's extra pay. But for this, I rejoice. Extra spending dosh. What shall I do with it?

Perhaps buy a flaying airline?

Or maybe an automobile from GM. Oh, wait, no. Not such a good idea.

How about spending it all on a lobster dinner?

Decisions. Too many.

But I definitely know what I shall be doing with my paid time off. Catching up on lots and lots of much-needed sleep.

Jesus for a day

If you read the Good Book, you will come across many, many references of Jesus (or Hey-Soos Christo, if you’re Spanish) performing loads of wonderfully kind deeds. Stilling the storm. Withering the fig tree (I never understood that one). Turning water to wine (I wish I could do that, would be a hit at parties). Walking on water. And my personal favorite, feeding the masses.

Well, on Monday, I was Jesus for a day. A small group of us woke up at sparrow fart, even way before the sun rose, and headed to a local food bank to give out small gift packs to the homeless folk. We collected toothpaste and shampoo and combs, and nail brushes and all sorts of odd things for them. We wrapped them all up into small bags. And gave them away.

Then the once-a-month delivery truck came. We helped offload the truck and pack the food items onto various shelves. Brace yourselves, for here comes another miracle. With the food they receive – which wasn’t very much – they have to feed two people a month.

But if the good Lord can feed 5000 hungry people with five loaves and two fishes, surely we can feed two hundred with about 100 cans of pie filling and apple slices and peanut butter.

Either way, good deed done for the festive season.

Side not to the Big Guy: I hope you’re keeping tabs on this, I’ll need to make a claim someday.

He was wearing a rug

As I trotted off at lunch time today, an unusual-looking man came in my general direction. I subconsciously did a double take. He was wearing a rug. On his head!

Not to sound heartless and callous and generally insensitive to the plight of those who are challenged in the hair department, but come on! This rug was screaming, LOOK AT ME, I'M AS FAKE AS PAMELA ANDERSON'S CHEST!

If you're going to adorn the top of your shining dome with a toupee, invest in a good one at least. This one was crooked. And there was a solid line near his forehead. And it looked like it had been made from a scalped brunette Barbie. Very unnatural. Very unsettling.

And to top it off, I think he had some 'work' done as well. Maybe from the same place where he bought his $2 rug. The reason I did a double take was because this elderly gentleman had a look on his face as though he'd just seen a ghost. Or perhaps his reflection in a nearby reflective mirror. Not sure which. But his skin was pulled tightly back. Very peculiar.

Now before you send me hate mail, allow me to elaborate: I have absolutely nothing against a little nip here, a little tuck there, and maybe a few Botox injections. If we have the know-how, then go for it. If it makes you feel better about yourself, more confident, then a gold star for you. But this was just excessive. And very scary looking. Trust me.

Faster. Work faster.

Twelve job jackets. Two-day deadlines. And one very tired copywriter.

For weeks now I have been worried that the recession axe is going to take a swing and lop off my head, sending me on my not-so-merry way to the unemployment line at the Social Security office. So far that hasn't happened.

What HAS happened is an increase in my workload - which is a very good thing, for it means my landlord shall receive his rent this month and I shall be able to shovel fodder down my pie hole to feed my skinny carcass. But I digress!

I've been working 12-hour days for a couple weeks now. Work, work, work, get the job done. Next. Work, work, work, get that job done. Next. And through it all, I keep a smile for I know I still have a job. But inside, my smile is a frown. I am tired. I am getting irritable. And I need a vacation.

It was recently Thanksgiving weekend here in the gloriously unliberal United States. Did I get to stay at home and eat five fat birds worth of turkey? No. I trotted my tiny butt into work and plugged away at my keyboard to write a 5-minute video script. Then I had to whittle that down to 3 minutes. And in that I had to weave in a conversation, not just a Christmas wish list. This is the only place for me to vent because I would not dare show my upside smile here at work.

No. This is a well-oiled machine and when the work is flowing, I get paid. And when I get paid, things are good. Other people get paid and I do my bit to keep this beaten-to-a-pulp economy working.

Let's see how long I can keep it up. Anti-anxiety meds are helping.

Thou shalst not ...

I came across some rather archaic American laws. Made for some amusing reading so thought I'd share them with you:

Alabama
It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. (I should bloody well hope so)

Dominoes may not be played on Sunday. (Oh damn, what else is there to do now?)

It is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church. (No dominoes, no laughing in church, Sundays will never be the same)

Alaska
While it is legal to shoot bears, waking a sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited. (I hope you can run really fast after waking a bear and taking its photo!)

It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane. (Um, why was there a live moose in a moving airplane in the first place??)

California
Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses. (Gotta love crazy California)

Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship. (And should they start, pray tell, how are we to stop them??)

It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale. (Oh well that just makes the world of difference. Ready, aim, oh shit, how are we going to get that home?)

Women may not drive in a housecoat. (What if the heat is broken and it’s really, really cold?)

Florida
Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner. (Because God forbid you should enjoy a relaxing visit to the hair person. WRM in Cape Town would repeal this law in an instant!)

A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing. (What about pushing your wife out of a moving plane on a Sunday? Is that allowed?)

If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle. (Elephants in Florida? Seriously?)

It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit. (What about whistling? Can I whistle in my swimsuit?)

Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. (Okay, that’s just creepy)

Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal. (Illegal AND painful!)

When having sex, only the missionary position is legal. (Legal AND boring)

Georgia
All sex toys are banned. (Best they don’t go through my luggage then!)

It is illegal to use profanity in front of a dead body that lies in a funeral home or in a coroner’s office. (Why? It’s not like they can hear you!)

Donkeys may not be kept in bathtubs. (What if you’ve lost your rubber ducky and want something in the tub with you?)

Kansas
Prohibits shooting rabbits from a motorboat. (What would you be doing so close to the shore anyway?)

Louisiana
It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol. (Well, that’s just rude)

Indiana
It is illegal for a liquor store to sell cold soft drinks. (Why would anyone go into a liquor store to buy anything other than liquor anyway?)

Liquor stores may not sell milk. (Milk? In a liquor store? Seriously? That's like going to Toys R Us to buy a real gun)

Michigan
You may not swear in front of women and children in the state of Michigan. (But normally they are the ones who make me swear!)

Nebraska
It is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup. (Best they keep that kettle boiling then)

New Mexico
Idiots may not vote. (How about a law prohibiting idiots from running for President?)

New York
A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll. (Don’t look so good and I won’t look again. Problem solved!)

It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun. (What? But that’s why I do it)
A license must be purchased before hanging clothes on a clothesline. (Fine! I’ll just dry my clothes in my dryer then.)

The penalty for jumping off a building is death. (No shit!)

North Dakota
Beer and pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant. (Then what do you eat with your beer?)

It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on. (What if you pass out from drinking too much beer and not being able to eat anything, like pretzels?)

Ohio
It is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday. (This would be a bit difficult considering there are NO whales in Ohio)

It is illegal to get a fish drunk. (Fish? Drunk? Now that would be funny)

Pennsylvania
A person is not eligible to become Governor if he/she has participated in a duel. (A duel? Like “I challenge ye to a duel” kind of duel?)

It is illegal to have over 16 women live in a house together because that constitutes a brothel. (Isn’t that what sorority houses are?)

It is illegal to sleep on top of a refrigerator outdoors. (Um, and someone would want to sleep on top of their refrigerator because ….?)

Any motorist driving along a country road at night must stop every mile and send up a rocket signal, wait 10 minutes for the road to be cleared of livestock, and continue. (Oh yes, I can see myself being very law-abiding on this one.)

Any motorist who sights a team of horses coming toward him must pull well off the road, cover his car with a blanket or canvas that blends with the countryside, and let the horses pass. (Yeah, this one too. Camo up my car so as not to blind the horses with the shine off the car’s paint.)

Ministers are forbidden from performing marriages when either the bride or groom is drunk. (This should be a law in Nevada)

You may not catch a fish with your hands. (How about with your mouth then?)

You may not catch a fish by any body part except the mouth. (Ah, that’s better)

Dynamite is not to be used to catch fish. (Aw boo, that’s half the fun!)

Texas
It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing. (While standing? Fine, I’ll lie down)

It is illegal to drive without windshield wipers. You don't need a windshield, but you must have the wipers. (You don’t need a windshield? Then what would the wipers be wiping?)

It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel. (Fine, then I’ll move up to the third floor where I’d probably have a better aim anyway)

It is illegal to milk another person's cow. (Is this a metaphor for my neighbor’s wife?)

A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed. (Oh what a good idea. And would-be criminals will abide by this because they are so law-abiding?)

The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home. (And that explains why Texans remain as dumb as pig shit.)

Vermont
It is illegal to deny the existence of God. (Guess you’re screwed if you’re a vocal atheist then)

Virginia
Not only is it illegal to have sex with the lights on, one may not have sex in any position other than missionary. (This again?)

If one is not married, it is illegal for him to have sexual relations. (Ah, the whole “sex before marriage” thing, I get it)

You may not have oral or anal sex. (Okay, so only missionary, no lights, no oral, no anal. Maybe I’ll just go celibate!)

Driving while not wearing shoes is prohibited. (How about flip flops?)

It is illegal to tickle women. (Oh God forbid)

West Virginia
Whistling underwater is prohibited. (Would that be akin to farting with your mouth?)

Wisconsin
You must manually flush all urinals in a building. (I should certainly hope so. Can you just imagine the rancid odor if they didn’t flush?)

Butter substitutes are not allowed to be served in state prisons. (So prisoners get to eat real butter while I have to use margarine? Something is not right here)