Dear Friendly Customs People

So my boxes arrived from the Middle East yesterday and I had to go and pick them up. But not something as simple as go in, sign for them, leave. No, that would be too easy. Go to Forward Air. Sign a form. Go to the airport (Terminal 2), stand and wait at the Customs office, sign another form. Told I would have to wait about an hour because they needed to go to Forward Air to actually inspect the boxes.

"But they are only personal effects" I told them. What I seemed to forget was that my form said my boxes originated in the Axis of Evil. And everything from that part of the world has to be checked with a fine-tooth comb.

So to help out the wonderful customs folks, I have decided to help them out a bit. Perhaps this will help:

Dear wonderfully-efficient customs officer, welcome to my boxes from the Axis of Evil. How very kind of you for taking the time I am sure you will. Before you check my boxes, perhaps I should give you a quick checklist of contents. Be sure to wear gloves:

Arabic souvenirs (including two daggers)
Several pairs of dirty socks
A coloring book
A model submarine
Fabric swatches
A bridesmaid dress
Half a bath towel

Don’t be alarmed, however, when you come across the following:

A flowering plant (not poisonous)
A light saber
A cattle prod (which unfolds into an ergonomic pillow)
Gas torch (dual usage as a reading light)
Marzipan scissors
Splatters of blood
A spear gun

Please feel free to help yourself to the following:

Melted chocolate
Water-purification tablets
Complimentary hotel shampoos & lotions
Perishable dairy products
Magazines more than two weeks old

While you’re scrounging around in my boxes, would you mind looking for the following:

My nail clippers
Knitting needles
My cigar cutter
Razor blades
My fake pilot disguise
Book about stem cell research

Perhaps you would feel better knowing that these boxes were packed by a religious official. The religion shall not be specified.