You know, you try help a friend out and ...

So I tried to help out this friend of mine recently. She mentioned she had just come back from the hairdresser where she had the greys disappear, like magic. But in order to do that, she needed to have her head painted. A bit of scratching during the night left her with black shit under her nails which I am imagining looked much the underneath of the nails of someone trying to claw their way out of a sealed coffin.

But I digress.

A bit of scratching is fine. But a lot of scratching can lead to little bumps on the scalp. So I hopped online and found her a remedy. It went a little something like this:

A good old-fashioned homemade treatment for this problem is vinegar. After you have washed your hair, take a cup of warm water and stir in three tablespoons of vinegar. Apply this to your hair, making sure the solution reaches your itchy scalp, and let is set for a few minutes. Then, rinse your hair as normal.

The vinegar will help remove residue that's left on your scalp from shampoo, conditioners and hair products. It will also cleanse your scalp and help heal any scratches you've made with your fingernails. This homemade treatment will also restore the natural pH balance to your hair and scalp.

She replies via email.

"Thank you Martha!"

Hence, the pic at the top of this post.

Now I don't care if you're a Pontiac mechanic is Brownsville, Virginia, or a housewife in Knob Hill, San Francisco. everyone knows Martha. Martha is the MacGyver of the kitchen. She'll whip up an ommelette out of dining room curtains, almost-used soaps, an old chewing gum wrapper and left overs from yesterday's lunch faster than Bill Clinton can say, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman!".

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure Martha is a whizz with shit lying around the house, and I'm pretty damn sure her prison cell decor would have made my own mother weep, but I am no Martha Stewart. Nor do I aspire to be anything like her. But by offering some helpful advice to a friend who's scalp may now well resemble a leper's arm (I do not know because I have seen neither), I was typecast as this kitchen wonder/ex-con.

WRM, no more helpful tips for you. You and your scalp are on your own. I wash my hands (with a Martha Stewart concoction that not only cleanses and moisturizes, but keeps Christmas decorations bright for next year) of the whole thing.

Addendum: Okay, sincerest apologies to WRM. I got it all wrong. Apparently her reply was meant as a compliment. My bad. Sorry.