Why the Holiday Season drives me mad

Because of stupid shit like this!

Okay, if you feel so direly in need to express your Christmas joy by nailing some stupid fake wreath on your front door to let passers-by know that they should expect the sounds of carolling and smells of egg nog to come eminating from your home, that's just great. More power to you. But to purposefully attach a wreath to the front grill of your car? That's just sad. Stupid and sad.

I saw one yesterday and the first thing that ran through my mind was, "oh no you didn't!" But apparently, oh yes you had. And you were proud. It's almost as sad as seeing someone walking through Wal-mart, pushing a shopping cart, and wearing a freakin' Santa hat. Please, spare us. Keep your Secret Sexual Santa fantasies for your bedroom. The fact that you actually donned that silly hat and headed out into public begs for you to be flogged.

Then of course, there are some people who think their cars are real people. Or, God forbid, an animal. And because it's the holidays, what better than say a reindeer?!

Oh I've seen you out there. And you look ridiculous. The only thing that would make you look more ridiculous was if you were out in public wearing a Santa hat. Behind the wheel of a car with fuzzy antlers and a red nose, and you wearing a big floppy red hat. Now if only you had a big black whip to flog that motor reindeer. Oh wait, maybe you could borrow one from the secret stash of the woman who puts a wreath on her car's grill.

What a load of ...

Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

You can smoke shit (see above), buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit (see above), and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shits creek without a paddle. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

You could tell your friends about this posting, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...

Well, Shit Happens!!!

Of all the jobs in the world

There is a world of exciting jobs out there I could be doing.

For example, how exotic would it be to call oneself an Egg Collector? Yes, this was an actual job listed in an 1880 census. Or how about a Cotton Mill Worker. That could be stimulating. Somehow. I think.

Or a Feather Curler. I could have made a living curling feathers for the rich and famous. And if that didn't tickle me, I could have been a Surgical Instrument Maker. Important job this. Saving lives and stuff.

And if I wasn't in the mood to save lives, I could quite easily have chosen to be a Rodent Exterminator. Rats, be gone!

Or a Blacksmith. Or even a Gent at Large. Or my personal favorite because at some point, everyone would need one, a Coffin Maker. Morbid thought though.

but no, I had to go into advertising. And while there may be a market out there for Feather Curlers and Coffin Makers, there just doesn't seem to be anything going for an ad man.

America the Great

As a teenager, I grew up thinking America was wonderful. Every Friday night, religiously, I would sit in front of the TV and watch in awe as MacGyver would invent things from bubble gum wrappers, a paper clip, and some ear wax. And I would think, "Wow, America is great!"

Then I grew up. And eventually moved here. And I saw poverty. And crime. And gang violence. And sadly it dawned on me. America is not great. America is just like any other country in the world. Well, almost.

In high school, I would learn about European history and the two World Wars. I would learn about British history and the feudal system. I would learn about colonialism. In Geography I would learn about tectonic plates under the earth's crust. And I would learn about Cumulonimbus clouds and Cirrostratus clouds. In biology, I would learn about cell formation and structure. I was taught about the world in which I live.

But in America, while they are taught similar things, there's a slight change. They too learn about cloud formations. But as they occur in America. They too learn about history. American history. It's a very ethnicentric society this.

The newspapers contain pages and pages of events around the country. And maybe just one small insignificant page abotu world events.

It's no surprise then that the rest of the world vies Americans as stupid. But they're not. They're lazy. And they believe what crap the media tells them.

"The Middle East is the axis of evil and all Arabs are terrorists." Okay, check. Believe.

"The French didn't support us in our 'War Against Terror', therefore they are rude and dirty and we should boycott everything French." Okay, check. Believe. Done.

"Africa is poor and sandy and the people are starving and all have AIDS." Okay, check. Believe.

Sadly, this is the truth as I see it. Firsthand. At first I thought it was funny when Americans would ask me why I'm white when I told them I was South African. Now, I just think it's sad. I was once even asked if South Africa is just below North Carolina. Because it's a common belief that the entire world can be found between Los Angeles and New York City.

Yes, the Greatest. Maybe one day long, long ago.

Um, yes, that must be it!

So I came across this TV commercial here in the U.S. It's hysterical. I keep watching it over and over and over again. You should too.

Click to watch it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=smtEtT7UJBo

Don't believe everything you read on the interweb

No seriously, sometimes the interweb spews out the biggest chunk of (insert expletive here). I learned that the heard way when I once submitted a research paper in college. Could explain the the scrawled, "SEE ME NOW!" written in red ink across the front page when I got it back.

Whitney Houston is NOT buying an African country. And North Korea is NOT a little hostile. These are lies that people post on the internet in the hope of raking in some poor sucker who believes everything they read.

Afganistan is NOT run by a group of undercover CIA agents dressed as nuns from the Sisterhood of Liberation. It's all a lie. Okay, so they kind of wear similar headgear and stuff but NO!

If everyone on the planet had to sneeze at the same time, the earth would NOT shift off its orbit people, come on. Shock! Where have you been? Has your head been buried in the sand?

What do you mean the U.S. economy is bouncing back? What a lot of crock. Which idiot posted THAT on the web?

And don't even get me started on those weapons of mass destruction ...

What does $1000 get you these days?

So a few weeks ago, a friend of mine came to Vegas from the Middle East. She was accompanying her richer-than-Bill-Gates boyfriend.

And after many tiring days of shopping and seeing shows and going restaurant hopping, they dumped me with about six bags of clothes and other gadgets to ship back to them in the Land of Sand. Me being the super-wonderful being that I am, agreed.

But not before taking a peek.

In amongst their many, many purchases, I came across a box. I looked at the box, turned it upside down, came across the price label, crapped myself and very gently put it down. For inside this box was what you see in the picture above. Yet another snazzy cell phone.

But folks, this ain't just any snazzy cell phone. Oh no. This cell phone is "More powerful than anything you’ve seen before, the HTC TyTN II takes communications to the next level". Wow, okay. So how does it take communication to the next level, oh knowledgable phone gadget person? "Communicating while on the move is a breeze with the ergonomic tilting design that positions the screen perfectly for reading and creating emails. The full range of wireless connectivity ensures you can roam anywhere in the world and still enjoy a high-speed internet connection.

Important information is just a glance away with the HTC HomeTM screen – giving an instant view of email, calendar, messages, missed calls, dynamic weather updates and more.

Staying connected means staying ahead. With a complete suite of Microsoft® Office Mobile applications including Outlook®, Word, Excel®, and PowerPoint®, out of office doesn’t have to mean out of the loop. Always ready for business, the HTC TyTN II ensures you are too."

Goodness me. Impressive Does it also prepare bowls of porridge? How about vacuuming? Does it vacuum the carpet? I'd expect that for $1130, it should at least do the dishes. No? Shocking. I'll stick with my flat screen Samsung phone/camera/music song thing, thank you VERY MUCH.

Perhaps, because of its shipping destination, it is able to detect incoming scuds. No? What a useless piece of junk. The rich are sooooo spoiled.

My silver spotted pedigreed Bengal cost me a cool grand and least she eats, drinks, cries and shits!