Me, myself & I

I've always been very good looking. Even as a child, passers by would often exclaim what a good looking child I was. As a teenager I was blessed with near perfect skin and very seldom, if ever, had a pimple. My eyes are a glorious green blue with a hint of hazel. My hair, when it's natural, is a soft golden blonde. My physique, while not statuesque, is slim yet toned – much like a Calvin Klein model.

At school, I was never one much for study. But my potential for greatness was omnipresent. I was wildly popular. Everyone wanted to be my friend and sit with me at break times. Quite often, I would have to turn people away in fear that the crowds would revolt. My devilishly good looks and boyish charm worked wonders with my teachers who would always give me good grades. I remember once my Math teacher, despite being a total bitch, passed me in a test I had taken. "It's okay you didn't know to carry the two. I know you tried."

I would spend weekends at the beach and try squeeze in some surfing between signing autographs and handing out my phone number. The girls were all over me. In fact, my sister would get horribly jealous because when she had friends over, they would sit and fawn over me instead of pay attention to her.

I grew up poor in an upper middle-class neighbourhood. But I still had my good looks. The school bus driver, bless him, would deviate from his prescribed route to wait on the corner of my street, just so I wouldn't be late for school. None of the other kids ever got upset. They would cheer when I arrived and insist I sit next to them. Our neighbors would often cook elaborate dinners and drop them off. My mom would send me over to thank them, and they would insist on giving me a kiss. Husbands grew weary.

But money was never an issue. If I needed money for the tuck shop, my many friends were always more than generous, some even being quite adamant in my acceptance of their total tuck shop allowance. Not one to upset others, I would graciously accept.

Later in life, I realized that self tan is to a man what silicon is to a woman. I was blessed with a fair complexion, meaning that I would remain ageless into my mid 40s. But I have learned that a healthy glow brings out my green blue eyes. So, on occasion, I have been known to stand my lithe body in a tanning booth and endure a light spray for the sake of a little bronze. It also looks really good against my blond locks.

In my chosen career of advertising, I have won over clients during presentations with just a single wink. There's a legend that I once sold an entire campaign to a client by simply smiling at her. This legend is true.

I turned down several lucrative modeling assignments to pursue my dream of selling credit cards to John and Jane. Fortunately, with my ageless skin and flawless complexion, I could still pursue a career in modeling (or acting) if I so wished. But many of my friends work in that field and I don't think it would be fair for me to steal their thunder. I'm not a greedy person.

I have beautiful feet. Not many people look good in flip flops. I do. Very often I may be seen sporting open-toed shoes. I do that because I can. My toes are long and slender and I have good nails. I have no need for pedicures. My hands are supple yet strong. They have evoked orgasmic bliss in many instances. I have no need for manicures either.

My natural 6-pack is the envy of most of my friends. But I do not rub it in their faces by wearing short vests. This is cruel punishment and totally unnecessary. Many of them have learned that too many beers can expand the waist area. I don't have that problem. I have a very fast metabolism which keeps me slim. I could eat a 3-course meal and put back several desserts. But I choose not to. People often comment on how wonderful I look. Age will never catch me.

I have a naturally small-but-pert posterior. Very often, while walking in public, my posterior gets pinched. I seldom know who has pinched it, but that doesn't matter. I look great in jeans. I also fill out a Speedo more than sufficiently.

I don't have a driver's license. But then again, I have never needed one. Once, while driving my friend's Z4, I was pulled over by a policeman. He asked to see my license. When I replied that I didn't have one, he smiled and told me to be careful. There are many bad drivers on the roads these days and while I may not be one of them, not all were as good as I was. I am fortunate enough in that I am never left needful of transportation. I have a plethora of friends waiting to drive me wherever I need to go. They are just grateful to be seen with me in their passenger seat.

Very often, I get mistaken for famous actors. Perhaps this is why I very seldom pay for movie tickets. I think the last time I paid for a movie was back in primary school when we each had to bring in R1 to watch a nature documentary. It was to aid the SPCA. So I gave them R10. A friend gave it to me.

I'm a very generous person. I give more than I should. I'm a generous tipper. Often, waiters and waitresses will insist that I take back my tip. But I couldn't do that. I know they work hard. Besides, someone has to pay to get into movies, right?

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