My Bad Luck with Buses

I wanted to cry.

Yes, big crocodile tears, and I don't care if grown men are not supposed to cry. But I wanted to. Really.

It all started when I decided to go and see an apartment in the east side of town. A nice short bus ride away. And since I get a wonderfully-convenient monthly bus pass, nothing could be more perfect.

But as luck would have it, things at the saltmine (as my friend, WRM, calls it) bust out from a jog into a full throttle sprint right at about the time I was to leave. So in a maddening rush, I grabbed my coat (for it is awfully cold out), told my bosses that I was off to see a possible new abode but would be back right after, and then dashed out the door, down the elevator, down the escalator, through the spinning doors, along the sidewalk (almost seeing my skinny ass without a mirror in the process because it's been snowing and the roads are slippery) and I just make the bus.

Off we go, adventure begins. Now something you should know about the Pittsburgh Port Authority. They let you on the bus downtown and then you pay when you get off. So, we get halfway on the journey to possible home-ness and I reach into my pocket to check the address and make sure I know where to get off. No wallet. So I check the other pocket. No wallet.

Oh thuckering thuckertash!

What now? I had no money on me, no bus pass. And the driver was sure to demand payment when I eventually wanted to alight from the payment vehicle of public transportation. So I casually went up and asked the woman, "Miss, excuse me, hello, excu ... EXCUSE ME! Does this bus go back downtown when it gets to the Zoo?"

"No," came the reply. "Harmarville."

Oh my, now I was royally screwed, for verily I didn't even know this place, Harmarville.

On chugged the bus. People slowly getting off. We hit Fox Chapel. Drive through Waterworks. Hit a place I didn't know. And then I got scared. It was dark and it was cold. So I eventually swallowed the lump in my throat, walked up to the rude lady and told her meekly, "Miss, excuse me, hello, excu ... EXCUSE ME! Yes, hi, listen, I left my wallet at the office, that's why I asked if you went back downtown. I swear I don't do this normally, but I really left it on my desk. You see, I was in a rush to ..."

"It's fine. Get out."

"What? Excuse me?"

And she stopped at the next bus stop, turned to me and repeated, "It's fine. Go."

So off I got. And then I told her, "But I don't even know where I am."

"Blawnox," she muttered, and then fled off.

There I was, left standing on the side of the street, in a not-so-nice part of town. Not dangerous not-so-nice, but more like where white trash peasants and rubes live kind of not-so-nice. Fortunately, I called my good friends, the AA (also known as D&C) who cancelled dinner plans to come and fetch me. How kind. Thanks guyses.

Then it started to snow. Heavily, and I needed to pee. Badly. So I did, behind a rock. But anyway, I digress. I eventually got back home after a harrowing experience. All through this, I at least called the apartment owner and told him what was going on. He said he understood and we would meet on Wednesday night at 6:30pm. Good, another chance.

Wednesday rolls around. Glunk. I grab everything - including my damned wallet - and head out, eager not to make the same mistake as the night before. I get on the right bus. Wallet? Check. My directions? Check. My map? Check. And the apartment owner's cell phone number. Check. Off we go. Or so I thought.

It's been snowing buckets out here. So of course people in cars drive like little old ladies on a Sunday afternoon drive. I could have WALKED faster than the bus was going. In an hour, we had not even left the downtown area. Fuming mad, I was livid. I called the apartment owner.

"Hello? Hi, yes, um, I might be a little late, traffic is cra...oh, ok, sure."

Nice man, said he understood. It had taken him three hours to get home. At 7:30pm we were outside my current apartment which during normal hours and circumstances is a 10-minute bus ride from work. There was no way Jose that I was going to stay on that bus for another hour. Sorry. Uh-uh. Not gonna happen.

I called up the guy again. "Um, hello? Yes, it's me. I don't think I'll be able to come and see the place tonight. It's late and it's taking ages. Sure. Okay. Friday. Sure. See you then."

Grrrrrrr. Maybe next time I'll take the boat!