Skin like a latte

Summer's here, it's 100 degrees out today, and the sun always shines in Vegas. So then why, why do I still have the complexion of the top half of a latte?

For as long as I can remember, Strawberry Man over here has not appreciated kisses from the mighty sun. While Strawberry Man's sister, Wondermocha Woman, sits and basks in the sun's intense rays - and in so doing turns a glorious golden Mediterrean bronze - she is able to keep her newfound color, while I on the other hand turn from blue, to transluscent, to pale, to pink, to blistering red. Then I peel.

That all said, I remember a summer where my stomach and my feet actually tanned brown. I couldn't believe it. I moisturized every day to try make it stay, but after about two weeks it started fading (school holidays had ended and the Headmaster didn't take too kindly to shirtless tanning during lunchtime on the school field).

But now, as I start my rapid decline into old age and start plastering myself in moisturizer for fear of what those summers in the sun did for my skin, I want some SPF1000 so that I can now go out into the sun and enjoy the summer. I want my creamy white complexion to make way for the beigy brown in the bottom half of that latte. Now THAT would be cool! Does anyone have that in a self-tan?